i just had sex bonerless
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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