We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
