I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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