Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My dad just said "fuck circus"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
