If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
