Taylor Swift is so right about you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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