My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
