listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
