There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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