can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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