There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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