just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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