i jhust puked up my retainher.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
