Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Mom said you looked used
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
