I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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