They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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