i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
