i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
