OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
