She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
