You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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