Need sex. Gaining weight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
