I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
