I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
