I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
