i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she woke up with a sticky ear
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
