I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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