At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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