i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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