hotel room ftw
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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