i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
