Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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