I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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