If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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