I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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