I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
