Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
