When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days