I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.