My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
