I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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