i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
