We named our party play list daddy issues
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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