She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
