i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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