I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
one might say we're banned from that church
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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