I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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