I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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