I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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