The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
