just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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