It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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