I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
