Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
