take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
