DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
