he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
