If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
