that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
