I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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