Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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