and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
