Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
