dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
