I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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