i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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