How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
